Thursday, April 9, 2009

thoughts

Honestly, I have pretty much been avoiding this blog. Should I just post happy thoughts or cool events that everyone is interested in? Should I talk about my darling children or my cute hubby who turns 41 tomorrow? Should I post all the cute pictures of my 40th birthday celebration last month? Or talk about how stinking excited I am for my brother's upcoming wedding? (which I am super excited about!!!)

Life has many many blessings and many fun things to celebrate! But right now when I sit quiet and try to type on this computer there are just too many bottled up emotions to get it out in a way no one will judge or think poorly of me. I am a "leader" after all. Was asked to be a leader as soon as I can remember and have never really been anything else. What if I really share the things I struggle with....will I be told I am bitter, will I be told it isn't good to wrestle with those things, will I be told I need to have more faith? Funny thing is....I feel more peace inside than I have ever felt in my life!!! If I never had to be around any people I would be pretty near perfect right now.

I wrote out a post awhile back. Deleted it. Started again and again. Tried posting cute pictures. It felt meaningless. So here is my latest attempt at a post and it may be a little raw in some parts. But it is where I am at. I feel secure that God is in charge but terrified at the same time. I know He will care for me and love me even if I end up homeless and sleeping in my car. I know His heart towards me is good and that He is giving me many gifts (they just aren't earthly gifts)!



Hmmmm...what a crazy couple of years this has been. And while there are moments I wish calgon would take me away, I wouldn't really trade this trial for anything.

God has blessed me tremendously with so many wonderful life lessons in trust and waiting. God has proven over and over that He is more interested in my character than my comfort. I am following God in this crazy adventure and learning every day to follow man less.

I spent many years of my life hearing "what you need to do is". (And no, mom & dad I am not referring to you). Who really says what I need to do? Does God always call us to do the thing that makes the most "sense"? Sense to who - the world? I wonder about that crazy Noah who God asked to build an ark? Bet his friends thought he was insane! Wasn't another guy to march around a city for 7 days? What the heck kind of common sense was that! And what about the guy that was to leave his boat and become a "fisher of men". I am sure no one thought he was crazy!!

Why do we humans always feel the need to give each other advice? Why do we Christians think we know what everyone else should be doing? I am sure that I am the only one who has thought many times...."what is he doing? she can't afford those clothes? shouldn't he take the job no matter what if he needs one? why is she doing that with her kid - doesn't she know how to parent?"

I am soooo tired of the judgement in myself and around me! If someone decides to have way more kids than I would, that is between them and God. If someone decides to buy expensive clothes with gift cards, that is between her and God. If someone decides not to take a job even though they need a job, that is between them and God. Is buying those clothes a sin? Is having too many kids a sin? And what is too many kids anyway? Obviously there are moral issues that God does call us to take a stand on. But God clearly says in his word "Judge not, lest you be judged".

I want to NOT judge the way I have in the past and I would never have learned this in such a powerful way but during this financial trial we have been going trough. According to the world and what common sense would say a lot of things in our life right now would make NO sense. We are following God and holding on to words we know HE has given us. He has repeatedly given us words from people we respect that all match other words He has given us. And while many may judge our decisions we believe we are following Him on a crazy adventure - a scary and exciting adventure.

One of my struggles is worrying about what others will think of us. Boy, God must really want me to lay that down because it keeps coming to the surface in huge ways. Every where I turn is another opportunity to let it go and not worry what others think. The only one that it truly matters what He thinks of me, is GOD. And I am sure that I am sure that God is pleased with me. While I still have sin and many issues to work through...God is so into ME. He loves me and sees me with all this junk. Isn't that what the whole message of Easter is really about? He died for each of us...
each of us as we are...
screwed up...
broken...
sinning...
glorious...
forgiven...
heaven or hell bound!
So I choose to thank you Lord for this season - even when I want to scream at You. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to stretch, experience deep pain, continue to grow in letting go of myself, learning hard lessons, learning to be content & peaceful in all circumstances, loving me as only a heavenly Father can!

Both Curtis and I feel that we are sitting here waiting for our life to begin. We are sitting on the edge of something and I feel peace that I have never felt. Can't wait to see what You are up to God! As much as we want to be in control and plan it out, You are asking us to trust You. It is a daily process of trusting...taking deep breaths...getting quiet with You...pulling ourselves out of the pit sometimes...crying tears of joy as Your provision comes through. Thank You God for loving us enough to build our faith & character. May we be able to keep swimming, waiting on You and riding the waves ahead.

13 comments:

Mrs. D said...

what an exciting place to be.. just being able to let go and let GOD. We are there with you. moving to the other side of the country is part of our process.. we can't wait to see how GOD plays it out. We are just taking each step that is revealed to us as it comes. there is such peace in living this way.

Tamara said...

Being raw is scary - as much as you know you are loved it just feels like someone somewhere just might be raising their brows and thinking something judgmental -- we all feel that way. I am glad you posted - I tried to check your previous post that you posted then deleted and I wondered where it had gone and why you had removed it... so many thoughts and sometimes you just need to write it and wad it up and throw it away (or delete it) - writing can be very therapeutic - you just start typing and suddenly you realize what all those emotions mean to you... I love the way it all came out in your posting - things aren't perfect, but I see that you are holding on to the promises of a good God who truly does love you and desire to give you not just what you need but also the desires of your heart... thinking of you today.

Amy said...

I came across your blog and I have to say I admire your thoughts and the words you put down. Its been a little bit of a valley these past few months in my life...but I'm starting to climb the hillside and see the light! It's amazing to see what God can and WILL do through us when we are willing to surrender all!

Good thoughts new friend!
Amy~

Lee Ann said...

I'm so glad you were able to be "raw" with us. I think it's good for us to see what God is doing in other people's lives! I am in awe at what He's doing and the peace you have.

Meredith said...

Love you. Love that you were raw. Love that you are wrestling... I'm convinced that God loves even that. Love that you are waiting. And more at peace than ever. Just plain and simple, love YOU.

Trish said...

Wow, I love this. Actaully, I love you and this is beautifully written. Raw is hard, but raw is also where God can meet us.

I completely understand where you are, I feel like we have. are there also. It has been very hard stopping the cycle that we were in, but God has been very good to us (should I have doubted that?).

I am praying for you guys, I know that God is doing big things.....

Love you guys!

Anonymous said...

Love what you have to say. Love that you are willing to do what is seen as crazy (by the way, I don't think it's crazy - but I'm crazy too). Love that you are willing to post your thoughts and struggles. It's hard and scary sometimes, but so liberating. Can't wait to talk more.

Julie said...

love you, meleea. thanks for sharing and being open about where you are at. we really need to chat...about life, about wedding (very exciting), about everything. it has been too long.

One- said...

I have noticed that it seems as if "EVERYONE" is going thru something. Whether financial, relational, or health issues. Because of this...it doesn't seem like we have as much support from friends, because everyones focus is on themself. At first, I felt bitter about this..until I realized that it was an opportunity to trust in God alone. I have always been so quick to go to my friends for help and advise. It feels so lonely at times, but I do understand where you are. Love ya-

Lynne Paulus said...

Thank you Meleea for your transparency for your words could probably have come out of so many of our mouths, at least I know mine for sure. I believe you are so right when you said why do we feel the need to judge or offer "helpful" advise when it is not asked for. It seems to me the forever struggle with wanting to get our eyes off of our own junk and focus on what we notice in others is forever plaguing us if we're not being wary of it. Yet so often we lack worrying about what God is feeling about what we're doing or thinking but yet forever stress about what the gal down the street might be wondering. Urg, I can get so frustrated at myself with that one! Where is my fear? Should it not be the healthy fear of God Almighty? Thank you for sharing and allowing us a view into your heart. I will be praying continually for peace in the waiting and contentment in the "now". May the Lord continue to bless you and in new and abundant ways!

Eryn said...

just catching up on your blog...This post was awhile ago, I know, but I loved your realness and authenticity. I really enjoyed touring your house today, and even more the chat. Your perspective is SO inspiring to me...I have been mulling things over about MOM's all afternoon. Thanks for hanging out with us!

Mara said...

thanks for sharing so openly...as much as I hate trials and hate to see others go through them, I know personally how much growth comes out of the whole thing...keep growing, keep learning and keep leaning on Him...He is all you need.

Michelle P said...

Hey Meleea,
Thanks for sharing your heart. It is so tough to do. It is amazing what God is teaching you through all of this. It stinks to go through it, but you are so strong! Thanks for continuing to make a difference in the lives of women despite the pain you are going through. That authenticity will speak volumes ti them. No one wants a perfect leader. Or maybe they think the do, but that perfection is hard to live up to. They appreciate the realness and vulnerability you offer. God is doing a great work in you!
Michelle