goodbye 2009

I decided that since I really haven't posted much of 2009 I would give a quick recap of some highlights from the summer, fall & winter.

The summer of 2009 I said goodbye to something that has been part of my life since we married 19 years ago. Miss Sadie finally had to be put to sleep. She was 19 years old. Even though she drove us all nuts with her strange ways....we do miss having her around. She was a very loyal (and demanding) cat that put up with a lot of moves, changes & additional pets over they years. Good bye dear Sadie girl.

Both the kids were gone to summer camp for the first time. Several of us made the 4 hour trek up on the last day of camp to baptize our precious Emma. It was such an honor and a special day for all of us!

My brother brought home a wonderful addition to our family this last summer. He met his soon-to-be wife while serving as a missionary this last year in Laos. We had a fun shower for Melissa right after we met her. We were so excited for both of them!!
We enjoyed several days in August up north to see my brother marry this fabulous girl. We couldn't be more pleased with his choice of a mate and look forward to more opportunities to get to spend time with them. They will be leaving for Laos this next summer and we will really miss them. The wedding was beautiful.

The fall of 2009 my kiddos started 6th and 8th grade. I cannot believe how quickly time has gone and how next year I will have a high school freshman! I really still feel like I am only 25 so I don't how my kids can be this old!! I really do enjoy them at this age though - it is so fun to see them having more independence.

Emma participated in CYT after school got underway. She auditioned for Les Miserables and had a great time performing. She was a wedding dancer, beggar & revolutionary. She got to participate with her good friend Aimee and made many new friends during those two months.

In November Curtis and Cody helped with several building projects over in Harrah, Washington. Harrah is one of the poorest communities in our state. They worked very hard for 4 long days and got a LOT accomplished.

I got to attend several field trips this year but my favorite is always the 6th grade trip to the Ape Caves. I went to the Ape Caves several times as a kid and love attending this one. My group of girls and I had a great time heading into the darkness for an hour or so. We had a lot of fun hiding and jumping out to scare other groups!

In the fall we also had a great day in the mud at the pumpkin patch. My children humored me and let me get a photo of them on these "little" kid tractors.

We had a lovely fall and our Christmas season was nice and quiet this year. Our Emma ended up with a sprained ankle and so we had a lot of forced down time. We did get to do quite a few fun things but also had a lot of time to rest. We also did started some new traditions on Christmas eve which was really fun!Tucker and I enjoyed watching Cody cut down the tree.

We even got to have a great day of snow play during Christmas vacation. We made a fun snow man, made snow angels and did some sledding on our little hill. While 2009 brought many difficult things our way....many challenges, heartbreaks and disappointments we still were able to find joy in the midst. It was a year of much character building and overcoming. I look forward to 2010 with a little apprehension honestly but am trusting a big God who already knows the details of this year. He has proven Himself faithful and will again.

thoughts

Honestly, I have pretty much been avoiding this blog. Should I just post happy thoughts or cool events that everyone is interested in? Should I talk about my darling children or my cute hubby who turns 41 tomorrow? Should I post all the cute pictures of my 40th birthday celebration last month? Or talk about how stinking excited I am for my brother's upcoming wedding? (which I am super excited about!!!)

Life has many many blessings and many fun things to celebrate! But right now when I sit quiet and try to type on this computer there are just too many bottled up emotions to get it out in a way no one will judge or think poorly of me. I am a "leader" after all. Was asked to be a leader as soon as I can remember and have never really been anything else. What if I really share the things I struggle with....will I be told I am bitter, will I be told it isn't good to wrestle with those things, will I be told I need to have more faith? Funny thing is....I feel more peace inside than I have ever felt in my life!!! If I never had to be around any people I would be pretty near perfect right now.

I wrote out a post awhile back. Deleted it. Started again and again. Tried posting cute pictures. It felt meaningless. So here is my latest attempt at a post and it may be a little raw in some parts. But it is where I am at. I feel secure that God is in charge but terrified at the same time. I know He will care for me and love me even if I end up homeless and sleeping in my car. I know His heart towards me is good and that He is giving me many gifts (they just aren't earthly gifts)!



Hmmmm...what a crazy couple of years this has been. And while there are moments I wish calgon would take me away, I wouldn't really trade this trial for anything.

God has blessed me tremendously with so many wonderful life lessons in trust and waiting. God has proven over and over that He is more interested in my character than my comfort. I am following God in this crazy adventure and learning every day to follow man less.

I spent many years of my life hearing "what you need to do is". (And no, mom & dad I am not referring to you). Who really says what I need to do? Does God always call us to do the thing that makes the most "sense"? Sense to who - the world? I wonder about that crazy Noah who God asked to build an ark? Bet his friends thought he was insane! Wasn't another guy to march around a city for 7 days? What the heck kind of common sense was that! And what about the guy that was to leave his boat and become a "fisher of men". I am sure no one thought he was crazy!!

Why do we humans always feel the need to give each other advice? Why do we Christians think we know what everyone else should be doing? I am sure that I am the only one who has thought many times...."what is he doing? she can't afford those clothes? shouldn't he take the job no matter what if he needs one? why is she doing that with her kid - doesn't she know how to parent?"

I am soooo tired of the judgement in myself and around me! If someone decides to have way more kids than I would, that is between them and God. If someone decides to buy expensive clothes with gift cards, that is between her and God. If someone decides not to take a job even though they need a job, that is between them and God. Is buying those clothes a sin? Is having too many kids a sin? And what is too many kids anyway? Obviously there are moral issues that God does call us to take a stand on. But God clearly says in his word "Judge not, lest you be judged".

I want to NOT judge the way I have in the past and I would never have learned this in such a powerful way but during this financial trial we have been going trough. According to the world and what common sense would say a lot of things in our life right now would make NO sense. We are following God and holding on to words we know HE has given us. He has repeatedly given us words from people we respect that all match other words He has given us. And while many may judge our decisions we believe we are following Him on a crazy adventure - a scary and exciting adventure.

One of my struggles is worrying about what others will think of us. Boy, God must really want me to lay that down because it keeps coming to the surface in huge ways. Every where I turn is another opportunity to let it go and not worry what others think. The only one that it truly matters what He thinks of me, is GOD. And I am sure that I am sure that God is pleased with me. While I still have sin and many issues to work through...God is so into ME. He loves me and sees me with all this junk. Isn't that what the whole message of Easter is really about? He died for each of us...
each of us as we are...
screwed up...
broken...
sinning...
glorious...
forgiven...
heaven or hell bound!

So I choose to thank you Lord for this season - even when I want to scream at You. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to stretch, experience deep pain, continue to grow in letting go of myself, learning hard lessons, learning to be content & peaceful in all circumstances, loving me as only a heavenly Father can!

Both Curtis and I feel that we are sitting here waiting for our life to begin. We are sitting on the edge of something and I feel peace that I have never felt. Can't wait to see what You are up to God! As much as we want to be in control and plan it out, You are asking us to trust You. It is a daily process of trusting...taking deep breaths...getting quiet with You...pulling ourselves out of the pit sometimes...crying tears of joy as Your provision comes through. Thank You God for loving us enough to build our faith & character. May we be able to keep swimming, waiting on You and riding the waves ahead.

looking back over the year

Wow - I began this blog a little over a year ago. I started it at a time when I needed a distraction and I needed some simple joy in my life. This has been a difficult year to say the least!! I have had many seasons of trial in my past, but this season takes the prize. There have been many days that I thought for sure I had reached my limit and still God would ask me to take more. But God is so good to me. He takes such good care of my heart.

I have learned that I really am as strong as I thought I was and that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned that I am okay with having to watch my children suffer. I am truly okay with letting go of all this world has to offer.

I have learned that I had a lot of false belief regarding how the world works and how the institution of the church works. I have been disappointed and learned that there is no rescue other than from our God. The church is much larger than those four walls I attend each week and there is much (sometimes more) encouragement to be found outside of those walls than within them. Thank you God for blessing me through Your church!

I have learned that there are times to share your heart and times to protect it in a healthy way. That we people really do say the stupidest things sometimes. I have learned to accept those hurtful things and not allow them to damage my relationships but to press on assuming the best. Most of those hurtful comments really are not the issue, it is more my interpretation that is the issue.

I have learned to not judge. Being judged hurts. I will never look at people the same - when I see that girl with the new jeans who I know cannot afford them - I will never assume. She may have gotten them for free or bought them with a gift card she got for Christmas. How quick we are to judge one another when we do not have the whole story.

This year has pushed all the limits in my relationship with my husband. The stress and pressure can put a damper on the romance and love that you KNOW you have for one another. But when you are struggling with things like failure, hopelessness and sometimes desperation it can build a rather big wall between you. We spent this past weekend tearing down that wall - thank you Lord for the freedom that brings to us!

But God is bigger than all the stress, failure, fear, worry, doubt, disappointment and disillusionment that this world can bring. Thank you God for the gifts YOU gave - the painful, stretching - the offering of more of Yourself and less of the world! Thank You God for Your faithfulness to me - little old childish, selfish, scared and sometimes coming undone me. Me - Your warrior princess, Your trusting, beautiful, glorious creation, Your wanted trusted friend who is choosing to live in true contentment!

Sad to see it go....

I don't know what it is about the end of summer every year, but it is such a mixed bag of emotions for me. Fall is wonderful! It brings structure, fresh starts, fun stuff to participate in, soup, chilly mornings with gorgeous days - all things I love! I really do enjoy sending my kids off to a new year of school. But part of me is soooo sad to see it go! My mom and I took the kids to the beach for one last day in the sand last Friday. Time to sit still, enjoy the ocean, build castles and forts, run in the waves - all things we love about the beach!

I am sad to see them go! Sad to have them wake up to alarm clocks and rush out the door all the time. Sad to tell them they cannot lay around in PJ's like when they were little kids. Sad to watch them carry around those heavy textbooks and have all that homework.

I miss them already and it is only the first week!! Here is to a great year of 7th and 5th grade!!

We did it!!

Well, Emma and I decided about 6 months ago to grow our hair for locks of love and today we finally had enough hair to donate. We ended up cutting 8 1/2 inch ponytails and are donating them to Pro-V because they require less length. Here is my hair way back in January when we started out.

And here it is today. It is going to take me a bit of time to get used to it, but I think I will like it. It feels so light and free.
We had such a fun time and Emma looks absolutely adorable. She has some more photos on her blog also. It was fun to be able to do it together and it feels good to be able to help out such a great cause.

Starting Out

Well....I figured I had better catch up with all my hip friends who have been bloggers for quite some time. I don't want to be the uncool mom. This may be pretty boring reading at first, until I can figure all this out. It has been fun occasionally checking out all of my friend's blog sites - I don't know if my life will be that interesting. My first complaint about this process...it really needs spellcheck.