time

I can't believe how fast time goes but yet some days seem to never end. I realized recently that we really only have 4 summers left after this one to have our son at home with us....he may come home for the summers but it won't be the same. How can it be possible that this boy will be entering high school in a September??? It seems like he was a little toddler not that long ago!

Summer has always been my favorite time with my kids....no schedules, lots of sand, bubbles, sidewalk chalk, games, friends, trips, parks, saltwater sandals & evening fires. It has always been a time that I have savored & cherished. It always seems to go too fast while the school year can drag on so miserably at times. For some reason this summer feels like a little pressure. Pressure to make lasting memories, have fun, get everything in. Maybe it is because we are entering a new phase and this summer may the last of its kind for our family. Maybe it is because I am feeling a little older now that I am almost the mother of a high school student. Whatever the reason, I do not want to let the pressure ruin my summer. I want to still savor and cherish. I want to enjoy the sounds of my kids engaging together, playing, laughing, and even fighting. I want to play intentionally and accomplish special memories but also do nothing together! Thank you Lord for THIS summer!

blah

my brain feels foggy.
can't really complete a thought.
i am feeling pretty blah.

there are many things i have thought about posting about. all the fun summer activities, my little brother's wedding to a wonderful girl, the beauty i have been surrounded by, fun with friends, the first day of 6th & 8th grade....the list could go on. but for some reason i just feel worn out, depleted and uninspired. i feel burdened by other's trials, their prayer requests, their heartaches, their grief. i feel the need to be praying for so many.

would love to run away to a monastery for a few days. to spend time with Him and have some needed time of forced silence to find my thoughts again. maybe i should.....

being a mom

Since I have been working many days over the last 5 weeks life has been a little hectic. Not to mention the normal crazy that comes this time of year with two in school that have activities. Why is it that every year beginning May 1st the teachers put everything into overdrive?!?! I swear they try to cram in as many projects as possible those last six weeks of school.

Last week I had an ah-ha moment as I was peeling an orange. It was a morning I did not get called to work and I sat down to peel an orange for my kids' lunches. Both my kids are a little picky about the way they like their oranges peeled. They don't like much of the white "stuff" on it. If I don't peel it the way they like they end up either not eating it or spending a good portion of the 15 minute lunch time "cleaning" it more and then leaving other food uneaten. I love to be able to spend the time wanted to care for my kids. I LOVE to be able to have the time to do things the way they love. I am very thankful to have been home these thirteen years and being a mother is what I love to do. It has been such a blessing to be able to really be here instead of rushing off to somewhere else.

As I am typing this I just got called to do a day of special ed at a local high school. Gotta run....

thoughts

Honestly, I have pretty much been avoiding this blog. Should I just post happy thoughts or cool events that everyone is interested in? Should I talk about my darling children or my cute hubby who turns 41 tomorrow? Should I post all the cute pictures of my 40th birthday celebration last month? Or talk about how stinking excited I am for my brother's upcoming wedding? (which I am super excited about!!!)

Life has many many blessings and many fun things to celebrate! But right now when I sit quiet and try to type on this computer there are just too many bottled up emotions to get it out in a way no one will judge or think poorly of me. I am a "leader" after all. Was asked to be a leader as soon as I can remember and have never really been anything else. What if I really share the things I struggle with....will I be told I am bitter, will I be told it isn't good to wrestle with those things, will I be told I need to have more faith? Funny thing is....I feel more peace inside than I have ever felt in my life!!! If I never had to be around any people I would be pretty near perfect right now.

I wrote out a post awhile back. Deleted it. Started again and again. Tried posting cute pictures. It felt meaningless. So here is my latest attempt at a post and it may be a little raw in some parts. But it is where I am at. I feel secure that God is in charge but terrified at the same time. I know He will care for me and love me even if I end up homeless and sleeping in my car. I know His heart towards me is good and that He is giving me many gifts (they just aren't earthly gifts)!



Hmmmm...what a crazy couple of years this has been. And while there are moments I wish calgon would take me away, I wouldn't really trade this trial for anything.

God has blessed me tremendously with so many wonderful life lessons in trust and waiting. God has proven over and over that He is more interested in my character than my comfort. I am following God in this crazy adventure and learning every day to follow man less.

I spent many years of my life hearing "what you need to do is". (And no, mom & dad I am not referring to you). Who really says what I need to do? Does God always call us to do the thing that makes the most "sense"? Sense to who - the world? I wonder about that crazy Noah who God asked to build an ark? Bet his friends thought he was insane! Wasn't another guy to march around a city for 7 days? What the heck kind of common sense was that! And what about the guy that was to leave his boat and become a "fisher of men". I am sure no one thought he was crazy!!

Why do we humans always feel the need to give each other advice? Why do we Christians think we know what everyone else should be doing? I am sure that I am the only one who has thought many times...."what is he doing? she can't afford those clothes? shouldn't he take the job no matter what if he needs one? why is she doing that with her kid - doesn't she know how to parent?"

I am soooo tired of the judgement in myself and around me! If someone decides to have way more kids than I would, that is between them and God. If someone decides to buy expensive clothes with gift cards, that is between her and God. If someone decides not to take a job even though they need a job, that is between them and God. Is buying those clothes a sin? Is having too many kids a sin? And what is too many kids anyway? Obviously there are moral issues that God does call us to take a stand on. But God clearly says in his word "Judge not, lest you be judged".

I want to NOT judge the way I have in the past and I would never have learned this in such a powerful way but during this financial trial we have been going trough. According to the world and what common sense would say a lot of things in our life right now would make NO sense. We are following God and holding on to words we know HE has given us. He has repeatedly given us words from people we respect that all match other words He has given us. And while many may judge our decisions we believe we are following Him on a crazy adventure - a scary and exciting adventure.

One of my struggles is worrying about what others will think of us. Boy, God must really want me to lay that down because it keeps coming to the surface in huge ways. Every where I turn is another opportunity to let it go and not worry what others think. The only one that it truly matters what He thinks of me, is GOD. And I am sure that I am sure that God is pleased with me. While I still have sin and many issues to work through...God is so into ME. He loves me and sees me with all this junk. Isn't that what the whole message of Easter is really about? He died for each of us...
each of us as we are...
screwed up...
broken...
sinning...
glorious...
forgiven...
heaven or hell bound!

So I choose to thank you Lord for this season - even when I want to scream at You. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to stretch, experience deep pain, continue to grow in letting go of myself, learning hard lessons, learning to be content & peaceful in all circumstances, loving me as only a heavenly Father can!

Both Curtis and I feel that we are sitting here waiting for our life to begin. We are sitting on the edge of something and I feel peace that I have never felt. Can't wait to see what You are up to God! As much as we want to be in control and plan it out, You are asking us to trust You. It is a daily process of trusting...taking deep breaths...getting quiet with You...pulling ourselves out of the pit sometimes...crying tears of joy as Your provision comes through. Thank You God for loving us enough to build our faith & character. May we be able to keep swimming, waiting on You and riding the waves ahead.

virtual open house

When we moved downstairs into the remodeled house in November we had every intention of hosting an open house in January. But with money being tight we haven't been able to do that. So...I decided to post some pictures of the mostly finished project so you could see it as it is now. Maybe some day we will have that open house.
The living room is part of the original house - built in the 30s. It has very low ceilings and I really didn't think I would like this room. But is is so cozy in the evenings. I am working on a mosaic tile project on the floor in front of the fireplace. Here is a picture of the fireplace that was bright red. I will put another picture of the mosaic when I get that done.

This is the opposite wall in the living room that has my grandma's piano she gave me.
The front door is in the living room but we barely seem to use it. Most everyone comes in the back door through the laundry room.

Our coffee table in this room used to be Curtis' grandparents dining room table. The legs were chopped down and it was made into a coffee table many years ago.

Here is a wall in our dining room. The dining room is a walk-through to the kitchen. Not my favorite but it works.

Our kitchen is really functional. We got these cabinets for free and they were a perfect fit! God totally took care of it!
They turned out great but painting them was a big project that I do not want to do again for a long time!
The kitchen and family room is the new part of the house. It has concrete floors and high ceilings. It is where we spend most of our time.

This is the spiral staircase I showed a long time ago. It is in the corner of the family room and leads to a TV room upstairs.

I thought I would show you the finished closet in Cody's room that Curtis and Cody designed and built themselves. It turned out pretty cool. Here is what the closet looks like lowered to the floor....

And this is what it looks like raised up into the ceiling....

I guess that is pretty cool when you are a thirteen year old boy. This closet makes mom a little nervous - I don't want anyone standing under it at all!

So...there are some of the pictures. I will show more later. You can come by any time you want and see it in person. While this house is definitely not our dream house that we left behind 2 years ago, it is still our home. We miss our old house and our old yard. I drive past it about 5 days a week taking the kids to school and it is sad to not live there anymore. It was our dream home and this one has many things about it that we would not choose - especially it's location. But God has us here for a reason and we look forward to seeing what He has in store for us. We are grateful to have a home.

hmmmm.....

I have been thinking & contemplating so much lately that honestly, I feel overwhelmed a lot. Even though I feel a very strong underlying sense of peace there is so much chaos in this brain of mine. And to be completely honest, some of the things I am thinking about may be too much for this blog.

We have been home a lot since Monday. My kids had 4 snow days this week, Christmas parties were cancelled, dance performances & classes were all cancelled, martial arts graduations were cancelled - all sad but forced down time is good. We have been productive - I finished unpacking a lot of boxes, we hung a lot of things on walls, I painted Cody's closet that comes down from the ceiling & I repainted Emma's bed & dresser to match her new colors in her room.

Cody, his two friends and I did venture out last night to the middle school overnight party - yes, I stayed all night. I did take 2 1-hour naps and then slept 4 hours this morning. They seemed to have a good time but they were all pretty tired this morning.

Curtis & I are praying for direction right now. Several big decisions and not sure what is right in some of the decisions. We want to hear from God. We want to know that we know that we are doing what HE would have us do - not just what we think is best. Waiting on You, Lord!

We are looking forward to a very simple Christmas this year. We only bought a couple of gifts and we are doing things different. "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got" - so we are approaching it differently. We made a few gifts and are doing a white elephant with Curtis' family. The snow has been a beautiful gift from God to remind me of how simple Christmas truly can be. I read my kids the complete Little House on the Prairie series several years ago and the snow makes me feel like I am living back then. No where I have to be - just being still & enjoying God's creation. Resting & enjoying my family.

Maybe when I can sort through more of my thoughts I will share them with you. Praying that you all enjoy the snow and are safe. Praying for health for sickness. Praying for God's provision for many. Praying for rest as you celebrate Christ's birth.

things we have been doing

We had a quiet Thanksgiving this year. My brother moved away to Laos this year and wasn't going to be here visiting for the first time in many years. We also started moving out of our apartment on Wednesday and were moving the entire weekend so we took a break and spent a few hours at my parent's house on Thanksgiving day. This is a picture of me and my amazing son who has said several times lately that we do not have enough pictures of just the two of us together - so we thought we had better capture the moment.
These are my incredible parents who bless us constantly. They are such great examples of serving others - they both volunteer at too many places to count and are always ministering to those around them - especially us.

For dessert, my family is not really into pie. I know this is a sin - no pumpkin, no pecan, no pie period! So my mother decided to do something that they would all like instead. She created an ice cream sundae contest. Whoever had the most creative invention would receive a major prize - and it wasn't going to be a lamp in the shape of a leg!

Emma created an ice cream mountain with a chocolate slide on one side - she called it an avalanche - a very innovative idea!

Not sure what my normally very creative husband made - I think he was in a bit of hurry to eat all of that ice cream before it melted.

Cody made a blob head thing out of his - another formidable entry!

However, my creation won - I received a wonderful Starbucks gift card. It was a candy land forest with gummy bears on a chocolate/caramel trail. I thought it was pretty imaginative!
I guess there was evidence that the food was good - the table was beautiful but I forgot to take a picture of it before we ate everything. So here is the evidence of a great Thanksgiving dinner! Thank you Mr. or Mrs. Turkey for giving your life for our feast!

My adorable daughter, Emma (the one on the right) danced with her performing group friends the day after Thanksgiving at the festival of the trees. They were fantastic and amazing as always. I love watching her dance - she comes alive & is so in her element. I love that and honestly, am a little jealous of it at times. God has given her a special talent and she uses it with all of her heart. I am so proud of her!
On Sunday we went bowling with my hubby's family instead of going to church - shhhh...don't tell anyone! We then went to his sister's house for a great dinner.

Last night we took our kids out to dinner with a gift certificate we got for a gift - it was so fun to talk over dinner about heaven and our thoughts about God. We also went to see the tree in downtown Portland but for some mysterious reason it wasn't lit up last night - what the heck?!?! We had a beautiful time anyway, wandering through the relatively quiet city, hanging out with two of our favorite people.

Today my family and I visited with Mrs. Tappan for a half hour or so. Her husband who was 77 died in a tractor accident on May 11th. They had been married for 53 years and they had 5 or 6 kids. They own about 50 acres or so across the field from us and all of their children have homes on the land. The Tappan family believes in God and they will see each other again in heaven. What a great but bittersweet story she shared with us. He would consider himself lucky having died on his tractor - that was how he would have wanted it. What a beautiful testimony of what is really important in life. Thank you Mrs. Tappan for sharing your story with us and thank you God for the simple reminder today of what this life is really about.

Okay, Okay...I have been tagged!

Two of my sweet friends, Mere & Mara, tagged me. So I am gonna take a minute to respond. Here are 7 random facts about myself:

1. I can spread my toes apart like fingers. It is quite a talent - too bad I could not win a scholarship for such a gift!

2. When I was 18 years old my mother let me & my friend Amy leave with backpacks to travel around Europe for 4 weeks. Just made it up as we went along. It was such a cool experience. I love to travel although I haven't gotten to much in my adult life. Getting a map and exploring an unknown place is something I love to do!!!

3. I like preschool. I love the age and kids. A couple of years ago I was a substitute preschool teacher for the year. It was amazingly fun.

4. When I get upset I like to clean/organize. Purging is a passion!! My kids will definitely need some counseling over how much stuff I have made them get rid of. At least when I die they will not be able to say I was a pack rat (their father however, may make up for it!)

5. I am a rule follower by nature. God has had to really work on me in this area - teaching to let go and loosen up.

6. Even though I was bit through my lip by a dog as a young girl & I have never really liked dogs, I love my dog! He loves me unconditionally and is excited to see me all the time - even if I just ran to the garage for a second. He has brought us a lot of joy this year during many trials.

7. I really do not enjoy to cook. I love to eat! Especially when someone else makes the food. But cooking is just not something I am passionate about. It is fun to make stuff that my family likes to eat. But it seems like a lot of work to then have it gone in moments.


There I finally did it! Sorry it took me awhile girls. I know you will probably not like this...but, I am not planning to tag 7 more people. I am going to be super naughty and break the rules. Aren't you proud of me?!?!? God must be really doing a good job on healing me of that obsession.

I am now giving in to the pressure and tagging my children. So Cody & Emma, you are tagged!

Weary to the core!!!

I feel like a walking zombie right now! I really don't remember a time in my life when I have been this tired. For some reason I haven't been sleeping well - awake constantly and just not feeling good at night. Then the days are so cram-packed that I feel like I can barely see straight.

We are trying to make a big push to finish the downstairs by Thanksgiving so we can move our kids into their own bedrooms. We finally got the sheet rock done and now the painting has begun. I painted the ceilings today in between my regular life and working so that tomorrow my kids can get their bedrooms painted. I like painting fine, but painting a house inside and out by hand in a year and a half is enough to give you arthritis in your hands! Honestly, I am so sick of it that I really don't even care any more how it looks. This weekend we are hoping to sand and seal our "basketball" hardwood flooring. I will be sure to post a before and after photo.

Next week we start refinishing the two sets of cabinets that we got for free. Which by the way, match each other perfectly - thank you God for providing. Doing all of this of this in the midst of taking care of a family, working, volunteering, etc is getting to be a little challenging.

We continue to pray for God's provision for us - for a peace in the midst of the storm - for a supernatural ability to trust Him. He is good and has taken good care of us over this last season.

I had better get to bed - I think I hear a Tylenol PM calling my name....

Oh, How I Love Them!!

Yesterday, my dear friend Annette and I went to spend some time "helping" the MOM's ministry girls at our church get ready for the season. I say help them loosely - mostly I just sit there in awe of how much they get done! These women are so beyond what I was when I was a starting out mom! I was lucky most days to just get dressed and make dinner. Many of them do canning, bake homemade bread, have businesses, make all kinds of incredible crafty things and they serve people. I love being around them - they give me energy and inspiration. Yesterday one of them, who is a kindred spirit, gave me this wonderful verse that I want to share:

"Oh, bless our God, you peoples!

and make the voice of His praise to be heard,

Who keeps our soul among the living,

and does not allow our feet to be moved.

For You, O God, have tested us;

You have refined us as silver is refined.

You brought us into the net;

you laid affliction on our backs.

You have caused me to ride over our heads;

We went through fire and through water;

but You brought us out to rich fulfillment."

Psalm 66:8-12

Thank you girls for being yourselves and sharing who you are with others!

Sad to see it go....

I don't know what it is about the end of summer every year, but it is such a mixed bag of emotions for me. Fall is wonderful! It brings structure, fresh starts, fun stuff to participate in, soup, chilly mornings with gorgeous days - all things I love! I really do enjoy sending my kids off to a new year of school. But part of me is soooo sad to see it go! My mom and I took the kids to the beach for one last day in the sand last Friday. Time to sit still, enjoy the ocean, build castles and forts, run in the waves - all things we love about the beach!

I am sad to see them go! Sad to have them wake up to alarm clocks and rush out the door all the time. Sad to tell them they cannot lay around in PJ's like when they were little kids. Sad to watch them carry around those heavy textbooks and have all that homework.

I miss them already and it is only the first week!! Here is to a great year of 7th and 5th grade!!

Do we have to come home?!?!

My parents are treating my family and brother to a time away in Salishan (which if you have never visited, I highly recommend!). We are enjoying great weather, fun in the sand, the quietest beach I have ever visited, good food, time playing and time to contemplate. My hubby even had time to update his blog this weekend.
Now the dilemna begins...they are staying all week and we don't want to come home. In the grand scheme of life, what is a few more days away from school, work, responsibility! When we do ever come home, I will post photos!

Reasoning Together

Tonight with our home group after some time of prayer, we shared some questions we wish we could understand...things we are wrestling through with God. Things like, why do bad things happen that seem unfair, does God really love me, do I really believe all this stuff in the Bible, can I trust that God is really going to come through with taking care of me?, etc.

So when I got home I was reading Oswald Chambers devotional for tomorrow (I know, I shouldn't read ahead, but sometimes I can't help it). He was talking about some of our questions and the reference was Romans 8. He said "God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says - I will be with him in the trouble." Romans 8:35 says "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or harship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" We are not promised to not have those things but to be able to be more than conquerors in those things (vs. 37).

The questions Oswald poses are "can God's love hold when everything says that His love is a lie? Can we not only believe in the love of God but be more than conquerors even while being starved? " We have to choose to hold on to the love of God when the odds are all against God's favor. We have to surrender our expectations, our fleshly desires and choose to believe. Trusting that God is who He says He is and laying down our own lives as we walk through those trials. Fortunately the passage ends with Romans 8:39 saying that nothing in all of creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus!

Thank you God that even when I can not fully understand, your word to me is so very clear! Help me Lord to be able to take those things I know with my head and feel them fully in my heart.

laughter is good for the soul!

Curtis and I have been missing laughter. We used to laugh a lot around here but it has been a challenge to find things worth laughing at lately. I love to listen to my kids laugh!! Last night they sat at the computer with me watching a few fun youtube videos on a friend's blog. They were hilarious and my kids were cracking up! Thanks valerie for a good laugh - we needed it.

We have this new favorite picture of our kids that we keep putting everywhere to remind us how good laughter is for the soul. It is from our trip to Disneyworld in October. Our kids were riding the animal safari ride which is their grandfather's (Pop) favorite ride. They were not amused and were just staring at the guy driving the boat with stonecold stares. They were thinking...Where is the thrill - the excitement? You have got to be kidding? These animals aren't real! This is a lame ride!!!

Then suddenly they were sprayed with water and we caught it on camera. It was hilarious for us parents as we watched.

Maybe this ride wasn't so bad! Maybe we didn't need a big roller coaster to have fun - just enjoy the simple things in life - find joy in everything! What a good reminder and lesson for us.

ponderings.....

I guess I have been in a blogging slump for a bit now. Do you ever have times in your life where your brain is swirling so fast and you are mulling over so many things, that your brain just becomes mush?!?! That is where I am at right now.
I feel like God is showing so much to me that I just can't keep up. And honestly, there are many times through this process that I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the sheets over my head and wish it all away. But, then what would I be missing? I would miss Him trying to give me more of who is He is. I would miss all the lessons He is trying to teach me. I would miss the healing - even if it is extremely painful.
And on that note...why is healing so painful anyway! It makes sense that it would hurt to get the wounds in the first place. And it makes sense that the surgery hurts. But why does the healing have to hurt too? Shouldn't the healing of our hearts be soothing, comforting, reassuring!?!? Sometimes it feels like the healing even hurts worse. Thank you Lord, that is by your wounds that we are healed!
I have been thinking over this verse for a bit now. James 1:2 says "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." What did that just say?!?!? Come on now- "pure joy" - can't we just endure or try to survive? Having the joy is easy to talk about and want to do and believe in your head. But then when the trials come there are many days I do not want to consider this with pure joy! I am finding that the only way to have that pure joy is from God. He is the only one who can give it! As I let go, rest, let my brain turn to mush - He can and does bring pure joy! It is only by His strength, definately not my own.
Well, enough pondering for tonight...my thoughts are swirling again!

Needing a little Perspective!

Curtis is doing a consulting job at the coast and since neither child had school today we headed out to take photos and check on the progress of the job. We took a couple hours while there to play on the beach since it was such amazing weather for February. We definately require beach time to get a little good perspective in this family!
Tucker had never seen the ocean before. He wasn't sure why the kids would want to put their feet in that cold moving water. But he soon warmed up and enjoyed running around playing in the sand. He was in need of a bath by the end of the hour!

My daughter is always ready with a dramatic move for the camera.
It is hard to believe they were in shorts during February. Even though it was sunny, it was not very warm. Curtis and I were cold just looking at them.
We love this red-head beauty!
Our son has loved the beach since the day he was born. He has missed the Coast
so much and loved having a little time there today. He is a lot of fun to watch at the beach - always muddy and building something! (I wonder where he gets that?!?!)
Since Dad's phone was ringing the whole time we were there..reality is never far away, but it was good to enjoy the fresh air and time to run free.
We pray today for our many friends who are struggling with huge health issues and concerns - we love you, Friends! It was good to take a little time to get God's perspective again on what is important in life. Thank you Lord for the beauty of where we live, for life, for family and for You!