thoughts

Honestly, I have pretty much been avoiding this blog. Should I just post happy thoughts or cool events that everyone is interested in? Should I talk about my darling children or my cute hubby who turns 41 tomorrow? Should I post all the cute pictures of my 40th birthday celebration last month? Or talk about how stinking excited I am for my brother's upcoming wedding? (which I am super excited about!!!)

Life has many many blessings and many fun things to celebrate! But right now when I sit quiet and try to type on this computer there are just too many bottled up emotions to get it out in a way no one will judge or think poorly of me. I am a "leader" after all. Was asked to be a leader as soon as I can remember and have never really been anything else. What if I really share the things I struggle with....will I be told I am bitter, will I be told it isn't good to wrestle with those things, will I be told I need to have more faith? Funny thing is....I feel more peace inside than I have ever felt in my life!!! If I never had to be around any people I would be pretty near perfect right now.

I wrote out a post awhile back. Deleted it. Started again and again. Tried posting cute pictures. It felt meaningless. So here is my latest attempt at a post and it may be a little raw in some parts. But it is where I am at. I feel secure that God is in charge but terrified at the same time. I know He will care for me and love me even if I end up homeless and sleeping in my car. I know His heart towards me is good and that He is giving me many gifts (they just aren't earthly gifts)!



Hmmmm...what a crazy couple of years this has been. And while there are moments I wish calgon would take me away, I wouldn't really trade this trial for anything.

God has blessed me tremendously with so many wonderful life lessons in trust and waiting. God has proven over and over that He is more interested in my character than my comfort. I am following God in this crazy adventure and learning every day to follow man less.

I spent many years of my life hearing "what you need to do is". (And no, mom & dad I am not referring to you). Who really says what I need to do? Does God always call us to do the thing that makes the most "sense"? Sense to who - the world? I wonder about that crazy Noah who God asked to build an ark? Bet his friends thought he was insane! Wasn't another guy to march around a city for 7 days? What the heck kind of common sense was that! And what about the guy that was to leave his boat and become a "fisher of men". I am sure no one thought he was crazy!!

Why do we humans always feel the need to give each other advice? Why do we Christians think we know what everyone else should be doing? I am sure that I am the only one who has thought many times...."what is he doing? she can't afford those clothes? shouldn't he take the job no matter what if he needs one? why is she doing that with her kid - doesn't she know how to parent?"

I am soooo tired of the judgement in myself and around me! If someone decides to have way more kids than I would, that is between them and God. If someone decides to buy expensive clothes with gift cards, that is between her and God. If someone decides not to take a job even though they need a job, that is between them and God. Is buying those clothes a sin? Is having too many kids a sin? And what is too many kids anyway? Obviously there are moral issues that God does call us to take a stand on. But God clearly says in his word "Judge not, lest you be judged".

I want to NOT judge the way I have in the past and I would never have learned this in such a powerful way but during this financial trial we have been going trough. According to the world and what common sense would say a lot of things in our life right now would make NO sense. We are following God and holding on to words we know HE has given us. He has repeatedly given us words from people we respect that all match other words He has given us. And while many may judge our decisions we believe we are following Him on a crazy adventure - a scary and exciting adventure.

One of my struggles is worrying about what others will think of us. Boy, God must really want me to lay that down because it keeps coming to the surface in huge ways. Every where I turn is another opportunity to let it go and not worry what others think. The only one that it truly matters what He thinks of me, is GOD. And I am sure that I am sure that God is pleased with me. While I still have sin and many issues to work through...God is so into ME. He loves me and sees me with all this junk. Isn't that what the whole message of Easter is really about? He died for each of us...
each of us as we are...
screwed up...
broken...
sinning...
glorious...
forgiven...
heaven or hell bound!

So I choose to thank you Lord for this season - even when I want to scream at You. Thank You for giving me the opportunity to stretch, experience deep pain, continue to grow in letting go of myself, learning hard lessons, learning to be content & peaceful in all circumstances, loving me as only a heavenly Father can!

Both Curtis and I feel that we are sitting here waiting for our life to begin. We are sitting on the edge of something and I feel peace that I have never felt. Can't wait to see what You are up to God! As much as we want to be in control and plan it out, You are asking us to trust You. It is a daily process of trusting...taking deep breaths...getting quiet with You...pulling ourselves out of the pit sometimes...crying tears of joy as Your provision comes through. Thank You God for loving us enough to build our faith & character. May we be able to keep swimming, waiting on You and riding the waves ahead.

looking back over the year

Wow - I began this blog a little over a year ago. I started it at a time when I needed a distraction and I needed some simple joy in my life. This has been a difficult year to say the least!! I have had many seasons of trial in my past, but this season takes the prize. There have been many days that I thought for sure I had reached my limit and still God would ask me to take more. But God is so good to me. He takes such good care of my heart.

I have learned that I really am as strong as I thought I was and that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I learned that I am okay with having to watch my children suffer. I am truly okay with letting go of all this world has to offer.

I have learned that I had a lot of false belief regarding how the world works and how the institution of the church works. I have been disappointed and learned that there is no rescue other than from our God. The church is much larger than those four walls I attend each week and there is much (sometimes more) encouragement to be found outside of those walls than within them. Thank you God for blessing me through Your church!

I have learned that there are times to share your heart and times to protect it in a healthy way. That we people really do say the stupidest things sometimes. I have learned to accept those hurtful things and not allow them to damage my relationships but to press on assuming the best. Most of those hurtful comments really are not the issue, it is more my interpretation that is the issue.

I have learned to not judge. Being judged hurts. I will never look at people the same - when I see that girl with the new jeans who I know cannot afford them - I will never assume. She may have gotten them for free or bought them with a gift card she got for Christmas. How quick we are to judge one another when we do not have the whole story.

This year has pushed all the limits in my relationship with my husband. The stress and pressure can put a damper on the romance and love that you KNOW you have for one another. But when you are struggling with things like failure, hopelessness and sometimes desperation it can build a rather big wall between you. We spent this past weekend tearing down that wall - thank you Lord for the freedom that brings to us!

But God is bigger than all the stress, failure, fear, worry, doubt, disappointment and disillusionment that this world can bring. Thank you God for the gifts YOU gave - the painful, stretching - the offering of more of Yourself and less of the world! Thank You God for Your faithfulness to me - little old childish, selfish, scared and sometimes coming undone me. Me - Your warrior princess, Your trusting, beautiful, glorious creation, Your wanted trusted friend who is choosing to live in true contentment!

hmmmm.....

I have been thinking & contemplating so much lately that honestly, I feel overwhelmed a lot. Even though I feel a very strong underlying sense of peace there is so much chaos in this brain of mine. And to be completely honest, some of the things I am thinking about may be too much for this blog.

We have been home a lot since Monday. My kids had 4 snow days this week, Christmas parties were cancelled, dance performances & classes were all cancelled, martial arts graduations were cancelled - all sad but forced down time is good. We have been productive - I finished unpacking a lot of boxes, we hung a lot of things on walls, I painted Cody's closet that comes down from the ceiling & I repainted Emma's bed & dresser to match her new colors in her room.

Cody, his two friends and I did venture out last night to the middle school overnight party - yes, I stayed all night. I did take 2 1-hour naps and then slept 4 hours this morning. They seemed to have a good time but they were all pretty tired this morning.

Curtis & I are praying for direction right now. Several big decisions and not sure what is right in some of the decisions. We want to hear from God. We want to know that we know that we are doing what HE would have us do - not just what we think is best. Waiting on You, Lord!

We are looking forward to a very simple Christmas this year. We only bought a couple of gifts and we are doing things different. "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got" - so we are approaching it differently. We made a few gifts and are doing a white elephant with Curtis' family. The snow has been a beautiful gift from God to remind me of how simple Christmas truly can be. I read my kids the complete Little House on the Prairie series several years ago and the snow makes me feel like I am living back then. No where I have to be - just being still & enjoying God's creation. Resting & enjoying my family.

Maybe when I can sort through more of my thoughts I will share them with you. Praying that you all enjoy the snow and are safe. Praying for health for sickness. Praying for God's provision for many. Praying for rest as you celebrate Christ's birth.

Fight for Me?

My dear friend shared a scripture with me the other day and I have been mulling it over in my mind. Right before she shared it I had been telling God that I knew how much He loved me, but I wasn't as sure about His continued desire to take care of me. The scripture passage was Exodus 14, specifically verses 13 & 14.

"And Moses said to the people, 'Do not be afraid. Stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which He will accomplish for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall see again no more forever. The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace'."

There are days that is still so hard for me to get my mind around. I don't "stand still" very well. It is something I have to work at doing. To have my mind rest is a struggle. When times get hard, I get busy. I feel I should be doing something, trying for fix things, getting control over things when everything is out of control.

But God is asking me to stand still and let Him fight for me. Will He fight for me? Will He defend me - go to battle for me as Moses sings about in chapter 15? Am I able to step on that dry land and trust that He will hold those walls of water up to rescue me?

Sometimes those enemies are huge! Sometimes the circumstances are too great to handle! Sometimes I want to just run away and give up!

But what He wants for me is to just let go, to rest, to stand still and trust HIM. He is good and His heart towards me is good. Thank you God for your word - that it is so true for today. Thank you that you love us and you fight on our behalf. Thank you for your provision and your care.

My Faithful God

"My faithful God, help me to call this to mind and therefore always have hope: because of Your great love, I am not consumed, for Your compassions never fail. They are new toward me every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I will say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." (Lamentations 3:22-24)

The main thing I have learned over this last year of uncertainty is that my God is faithful. It has almost been a year since we stopped getting regular paychecks. A year since our life drastically changed. And though there have been many many months where it on paper it can make no sense how we lived, God has been faithful. He has provided when we needed Him to. He has made a way for us to survive during this time.

He has provided more than just for our earthly needs. He has provided comfort when no comfort could be found. He has provided calm in the midst of many storms. He has provided rest when no rest could be found. He has provided hard lessons that have sometimes hurt. He has provided testing that always brought us back around to Him.

And while I have sometimes cried out for this season to end, it has been bittersweet. It has taught me that He is faithful. It has taught me that His heart toward me is good. It has forced me to know that His compassion's never fail. It has taught me to hope in Him alone.

I don't know when or even if this season will end for our family. The world is so uncertain for many - and thankfully this world is not really our home. Our time here is temporary. Thankfully there is more than we can see.

Enough contemplating...better get to work. I am "the subs" for this remodel project. We are refinishing some old cabinets some family friends gave us. They fit perfectly for our space. I am priming them tonight and then painting them this weekend. Can't decide if I should paint them chocolate brown like my fireplace or a deep rich reddish color. Hmm..have to decide by the morning. Maybe it will come to me while I work tonight!

my song for now

This song is my song for this season of my life. I find myself singing it all the time and it ministers to my soul. I choose to not be moved!

Reasoning Together

Tonight with our home group after some time of prayer, we shared some questions we wish we could understand...things we are wrestling through with God. Things like, why do bad things happen that seem unfair, does God really love me, do I really believe all this stuff in the Bible, can I trust that God is really going to come through with taking care of me?, etc.

So when I got home I was reading Oswald Chambers devotional for tomorrow (I know, I shouldn't read ahead, but sometimes I can't help it). He was talking about some of our questions and the reference was Romans 8. He said "God does not keep a man immune from trouble; He says - I will be with him in the trouble." Romans 8:35 says "who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or harship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?" We are not promised to not have those things but to be able to be more than conquerors in those things (vs. 37).

The questions Oswald poses are "can God's love hold when everything says that His love is a lie? Can we not only believe in the love of God but be more than conquerors even while being starved? " We have to choose to hold on to the love of God when the odds are all against God's favor. We have to surrender our expectations, our fleshly desires and choose to believe. Trusting that God is who He says He is and laying down our own lives as we walk through those trials. Fortunately the passage ends with Romans 8:39 saying that nothing in all of creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus!

Thank you God that even when I can not fully understand, your word to me is so very clear! Help me Lord to be able to take those things I know with my head and feel them fully in my heart.

ponderings.....

I guess I have been in a blogging slump for a bit now. Do you ever have times in your life where your brain is swirling so fast and you are mulling over so many things, that your brain just becomes mush?!?! That is where I am at right now.
I feel like God is showing so much to me that I just can't keep up. And honestly, there are many times through this process that I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the sheets over my head and wish it all away. But, then what would I be missing? I would miss Him trying to give me more of who is He is. I would miss all the lessons He is trying to teach me. I would miss the healing - even if it is extremely painful.
And on that note...why is healing so painful anyway! It makes sense that it would hurt to get the wounds in the first place. And it makes sense that the surgery hurts. But why does the healing have to hurt too? Shouldn't the healing of our hearts be soothing, comforting, reassuring!?!? Sometimes it feels like the healing even hurts worse. Thank you Lord, that is by your wounds that we are healed!
I have been thinking over this verse for a bit now. James 1:2 says "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds..." What did that just say?!?!? Come on now- "pure joy" - can't we just endure or try to survive? Having the joy is easy to talk about and want to do and believe in your head. But then when the trials come there are many days I do not want to consider this with pure joy! I am finding that the only way to have that pure joy is from God. He is the only one who can give it! As I let go, rest, let my brain turn to mush - He can and does bring pure joy! It is only by His strength, definately not my own.
Well, enough pondering for tonight...my thoughts are swirling again!

For Granted

I have been thinking lately about all the simple things in life we American's take for granted. I guess this has been fresh on my mind since I am currently living without a few of those modern conveniences.

It has now been 9 months since I have had ....
*A dishwasher or a garbage disposal in my kitchen. I have had to wash dishes by hand at least once a day. Until you live without one you forget how inconvenient it is to have to wash and dry every single thing you use. Fortunately, since I am living in only 700 sq feet and I have a small kitchen, most of my things are in storage. I am sure that most of my friends are sick of hearing me say "Yes, I do have that, but it is in storage".
*An attached laundry room. You see, for most of my married life you could find me daily running to the laundry room in various stages of dressed-ness to get clothes. But now my laundry room is down a flight of outside stairs and in the garage. So now whenever I need to run to the laundry room I have to get dressed. Plus if it is raining - or snowing, like today - I get my clean laundry all wet. Someday I will be able to run to the laundry room in the buff again!
*A septic system that you can count on. For the last two months our septic system has been obsessed with backing up. It makes it pretty difficult to do laundry on a regular basis or count on a flushing toilet to not come back up. We have dumped many precious pennies into this system and now all we can do is laugh. It is something I will never take for granted again.
*More than one shower & bathroom for a family of 4. Trying to schedule the morning routines around one shower and toilet can be a bit of a challenge. However, we have gotten used to this and it goes pretty smooth now. Looking on the bright side, having the septic back up all the time, does limit down the shower and flushing allowed, so it is even easier on the schedule.

We have learned to appreciate some of the simple things in our American lives. I have to daily remind myself that it could be worse - especially when I am mopping up sewage! But God is good and we have so very much to be thankful for. As my son heads out on a inner-city mission trip tonight I hope we will appreciate even more simple things - like our beds, our ceiling, our heat and our family!

For His Glory!

This devotional came to us today via email from Ransomed Heart Ministries (wild at heart). It is so relevant to where we are at. There are days we are so weary and we ask "how long Lord"? When life circumstances are difficult and the walls we face seem impossible to climb. When so many around us are sick and some even dying. When we feel like giving up!

“How Long, O Lord?” 03/14/2008
When God comes to call Jeremiah to be his prophet of hard sayings to Judah, Jeremiah protests, saying, “‘Ah, Sovereign LORD . . . I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.’ But the LORD said to me, ‘Do not say, “I am only a child.” You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,’ declares the LORD” (Jer. 1:6–8).
God is saying that these things will be done through Jeremiah’s dependence on his strength and provision, and that he will rescue him. Yet there is something about God’s rescues that make them a little less timely than dialing 911. He leaves Abraham with his knife raised and ready to plunge into Isaac’s heart, and Isaac waiting for the knife to descend; he leaves Joseph languishing for years in an Egyptian prison; he allows the Israelites to suffer four hundred years of bondage under the Egyptians and leaves those same Israelites backed against the Red Sea with Pharaoh’s chariots thundering down on them. He abandons Jesus to the cross and does not rescue him at all.
And then there are those of us who, along with the saints under heaven’s very altar, are groaning under the weight of things gone wrong, waiting for that same Jesus to return and sweep us up with him in power and glory. “How long, O Lord?” we whisper in our weariness and pain. Indeed, God calls us to battles where the deck appears stacked in favor of those who are his enemies and ours, just to increase the drama of the play. And there is the clear picture, even from God himself, that he does so to enhance his own glory.

What a great reminder for our family!

We can see the glory of God in our pain - when we listen to the voice of truth and not the lies from the enemy the story is clear. We are able to lay down our own wants for rescue to take the invitiation God offers - to suffer earthly trials for his Glory! God is good and the trials help us let go of earth and cling to Him!

His Heart is Good

This was the daily reading that came today from Ransomed Heart:


If You Knew His Heart Was Good 01/30/2008
Everyone has been betrayed by someone, some more profoundly than others. Betrayal is a violation that strikes at the core of our being; to make ourselves vulnerable and entrust our well-being to another, only to be harmed by those on whom our hopes were set, is among the worst pain of human experience. Sometimes the way God treats us feels like betrayal.

We find ourselves in a dangerous world, unable to arrange for the water our thirsty souls so desperately need. Our rope won’t take the bucket to the bottom of the well. We know God has the ability to draw water for us, but oftentimes he won’t. We feel wronged. After all, doesn’t Scripture say that if we have the power to do someone good, we should do it (Prov. 3:27)? So why doesn’t God?

As I spoke with a friend about her painful life, how reckless and unpredictable God seems, she turned and with pleading eyes asked the question we are all asking somewhere deep within: “How can I trust a lover who is so wild?” Indeed, how do we not only trust him, but love him in return? There’s only one possible answer: You could love him if you knew his heart was good. (The Sacred Romance , 70)

This is a big concept to get our minds around. God does have a good heart - even when circumstances are horrible in our lives. When kids are growing up in dump, or a boy has to go through chemo, or your wife dies unexpectedly, or you lose everything, etc. Trusting in God is a daily battle that takes a lot of work. Choosing to trust even when our hearts don't feel like it - trusting that our feelings will come along later.

A friend shared a great verse with us today:

"I called on your name, O Lord,
from the lowest pit.
You have heard my voice:
Do not hide your ear
from my sighing, from my cry for help.
You drew near on the day I called on You,
and said, "Do not fear!"
Lamentations 3:55-57